Iridescent Dark

New year, new blog!

2010-01-04T14:50:00.000-08:00

Hiya guys,

I haven't actually disappeared, believe it or not. I am back, but in wordpress form, lol. If you are so inclined (and I sincerely hope you are), please pop on over from time to time, it'd be great to chat with you all again.

Much love,

Haley @ www.iridescentdark.wordpress.com

Hold On

2009-09-09T10:48:00.000-07:00

Hold on to what is good,
Even if it's a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe,
Even if it's a tree that stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do,
Even if it's a long way from here.
Hold on to your life,
Even if it's easier to let go.
Hold on to my hand,
Even if someday I'll be gone away from you.

Recently I've been scouring the internet and books for prayers that really speak to me. This is because I will be getting my very own set of custom made prayer beads soon (more on that in another post =D), and do not feel quite ready to write my own prayers yet. Throughout my search, I discovered the ones that moved me the most where the ones of Native American origins. Their culture and beliefs were so embedded within the land that they lived, you could almost taste, touch, smell the earth, the rivers and the sky which so often feature in their prayers. To me, they're also so direct, they pierce straight to the heart of the matter. I love this prayer, especially the first and last lines.

'Hold on to what is good,
Even if it is a handful of earth.'

What a beauftiful, strong sentiment. That despite all the hurt, pain, and darkness that we may feel permeates our lives, all it takes is to stop - kneel where you stand and touch the earth. Even something as simple and mundane as a handful of earth can remind us of the potential for life and hope in barren lands. This reminds me of one of my most favourite movie quotes, from The Lord of the Rings:

Sam: Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going… because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.

(Samwise rocks my world =D).

'Hold on to my hand,
Even if some day I'll be gone away from you.'

This line really speaks to me, as someone who struggles sometimes to open up and be vulnerable. To me it means that despite any hurt that loss may cause, even the briefest times of happiness, love and peace are worth being hurt over. It reminds us to cherish what time we do have, to 'kiss the joy as it flies'. Again with a quote from one of my favourite songs of all time, Love Song by Pink:

'I'd rather bleed with cuts of love than live without any scars.'

(Pink also rocks my world =D).

And I don't know about you, but this last line also twists the focus of the prayer at the end. Throughout the prayer, is if I was saying it I'd say the words in it as a reminder to myself, of what's important, to remain strong. But the last line, if I read it out loud and said 'Even if some day I'll be gone away from you', it switches the focus outside of myself, as if reading it for another person. It suddenly reminds me of my place in all this in regards to other people. To not only ask for strength for myself, but for strength for others too, and to be their strength in times of need. I dunno, maybe I'm over analysing here, but it's what I see.

To me, this is a heartachingly simple, touching, strengthening prayer. I hope you like it as much as I do, I simply had to share it.

Question: What part of the prayer most speaks to you? Or how do you interpret parts of it/what does it remind you of or to be aware of?

Confession time!

2009-09-06T04:36:00.000-07:00

Hiya everyone,

Yes, I am belated in my belated return, lol. I really wanted to continue with the Witches Pyramid series I had going on, but I hit serious problems with the 'To Dare' part. I reached nearly half way through the post but abondoned it in frustration. I wanted to talk about openness and the willingness to be vulnerable. To talk about daring to truly connect with others, despite our own fears of rejection and our emotional barriers. What this really highlighted for me that I was talking about something that I hadn't really gotten to grips with myself - I could talk the talk, but do I really walk the walk?

So I've abondoned it for now. Who knows, maybe in time and when I'm a little more daring myself, I can feel like I can share my ideas about it with you. But until then, I'd rather admit that I'm struggling with it and need to work through it still than pretend I've got it all figured out. Hope you all understand that.

Saying that, I have really enjoyed thinking about the Witches Pyramid. And I've been touched by the response I have gotten from the 'To Know' and 'To Will' posts, and glad that some of my musings have struck a chord with people =).

Well, now I've got that out of they way I can continue with posting without feeling like I have to force through the 'To Dare' post, so expect to see me a bit more frequently now, lol.

It feels good to be back

2009-08-10T08:23:00.000-07:00

Hiya everyone,

Phew, I've been away for a while. Which wasn't very convenient, seeing as I was in the middle of a quartet of posts for Pagan Values Month, lol. I can't really explain why I just stopped really, a lot of things were going on, final few weeks of the school year so my job was extremely hectic and tiring, as well as trying to do all the fundraising for War Child. The blog has just been pushed to one side. But, now the school year is finished for now, and I miss keeping in touch with you all! It's funny really, when I started this blog, I didn't know I'd become so attached to it and all the people I've met through it.

I'll be catching up with a lot of your posts, and I intend on finishing the PVM posts too. I'll just pick up where I left off, I guess! I look forward to getting back in touch with you all again =).

To Will :: Pagan Values Month

2009-06-15T14:17:00.000-07:00

To Will is . . . to let the fire of your spirit shine to it's fullest, and in doing so act in accordance with your truest self to uphold all that you find worthy and good.

Will is the manifestation of your personal power. Just what is personal power? It's the evidence of the divine shining through the filter of your human personality (damn, I know that sounds corny, but I can't think of any other way to put it! *cringe*). It's that eternal, connected part of ourselves that expresses itself through our physical actions. On its way, it becomes altered by our human experiences - our hopes, dreams, memories, fears, talents, quirks, insecurities and relationships. This in itself is a complex and amazing thing - that all our power comes from the same, unknowable but deeply intimate and sacred source, yet is totally individual to ourselves and something that can never be taken from us.

When we let our spirit shine through our actions, we are acting from a place of honesty and integrity. We become living expressions of authenticity. Some people's personal power is shown through their kindness, their creativity, their leadership or their strength. There are myriads of ways through which people show their authentic selves. Sometimes these qualities of spirit seem buried beneth layers of social expectations, self imposed limitations or conventions, but they are always there burning inside waiting to shine.

Our Will is when we use these soul-traits to make postive actions in our daily lives. When we use our kindness to lighten a stranger's day, or our strength to support a vulnerable family member, we are using our Will to manifest happiness in our own and other peoples lives. We also use our Will to manifest our dreams or goals. Our creativity coul make art that inspires others to look at their lives in a different way, or our leadership skills could bring about a project that changes peoples lives directly for the better.

Our Will can achieve wonderful things, but we also have to remember that, as with all things, there are also darker sides to it. There have been countless historical characters who have used their charismatic power to manipulate people and bend others to their will. They have used their personal power for selfish and egotistical means, and that is something that we can all become susceptible to. Honourable use of our Will comes through remembering just where our personal power comes from - the source from which everyone's divinity and spirit is born. It is only made ours through the fact that it is everyone's.

One very important thing to remember is that by being our true selves, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. Many people feel that they have to be a certain thing, act a certain way, or achieve certain things. By letting our spirit shine, we set an example to others that there is a different way of being, which entails courage and risk, but rewards with letting the Will of our highest self manifest in our lives.To use our Will and our personal power is to honour our sacred selves, and to honour the Will of others along the way.

I envision Will as a staff which is carved from the wood of the World Tree, and upon which is marked all our soul-traits. It is a symbol of our personal power. Something that we can lean on to support us on our path. A tool that helps bring about the changes we wish to see in the world. A reminder of our role as upholder and defender of what we find worthy of spending our Will on, namely that which brings joy, integrity and compassion to a world that needs it.

To Know :: Pagan Values Month

2009-06-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

To Know is . . . to accept, with our hearts and our minds that which is Truth, and with the responsibilty of that Knowledge act with humility, integrity and compassion.

Usually, when we think of 'knowing', we think of it in intellectual terms - who has the most general knowledge or who is cleverest. In my opinion as a pagan, knowing is something a lot more intangible and heartfelt than that. To me, knowing is interchangeable with understanding, which breeds humility and compassion.

Knowing

But what is that we understand? It's the understanding that we are connected to the web of life, that we are not seperate from everything else in the world. That deity is both out there, in that web of life, and within ourselves - because we are a part of it. It's knowing that we are spiritual beings on a luscious, painful, achingly beautiful human journey. That's where humility comes in. How can we not be humble when we know that we are connected to all life, from incandescent specks of stars to tentative unfurling roots in damp earth?

A part of accepting this as our divine birthright is learning to accept that as a truth. When I wake up, all morning breath and bed hair, I certainly don't feel divine! This is a part of being on that human journey - to experience doubt, worry, insecurity, disbelief. To know is to have faith in our own truths, regardless of how far we feel from them.

Knowledge of our spiritual heritage can certainly be an empowering tool in our daily lives. What do we do with this knowledge? But what happens when we do not nurture that knowledge? When we do not recognise or practice our own truths?

When we forget that we are connected to all life, we can become self absorbed, and concerned only with our own egos. Our egos, without the guidance of this Knowledge and our Higher Self, can turn us into selfish, greedy, and rather ignorant people. We fail to see our part in the scheme of things, often not taking responsibilty for how our actions affect others.

But, when our actions stem from our own truths and knowledge, how can we not act with humility and compassion? When we can see the face of the God*dess in all who we meet, how can we not show empathy or openness? And, when during our everyday lives, we have a moment where we stop and realise just how amazingly complex and wondrous life is, how can we not be humble? This humility naturally leads to reverence and respect, not only for nature but for all who we meet on our paths. By taking up the Sword of Knowledge in our lives, we become upholders of all that we find good and worthy in the world.

Interviewed with Mel

2009-05-29T03:37:00.000-07:00

Mel has done me the honour of interviewing me with 5 questions. How it works is that after I've answered my questions, I open the floor up to anybody else who would like to be interviewed! If you leave a comment on this blog saying you'd like to participate, then I will ask you some questions, and in return you will do the same for others! Anywho, here are the questions Mel has fired in my direction! =D

1. As an artist, you need to be deeply connected to your Creative Self. What kinds of things do you do to nurture that part of you?

Hmmm. Well, for a long time I was put under pressure to perform artistically (due to university). This totally damaged the connection I did have to my creative self. It's only recently I've been able to get back into art making, and that is due to having to be a LOT more nurturing and compassionate to my creative self. I've done this by trying to be very lighthearted, and just giving things a go - I've come to realise playfulness plays a large part of being creatively healthy. I also go for long walks or just spend time alone, solitude helps me to refuel, whether it be outdoors in nature or at home in 'my corner' listening to music.

2. What is your current favourite medium to work in and which would you like to further explore?

I'm a bit of a Jack of All Trades and Master of None when it comes to art I'm afraid! I've dipped my toe into so many things and liked different things about them all. I guess it must be watercolour recently, there's an air of spontaneity and uncontrollability about it which keeps it fun and challenging. Also, I just love all the colour! *drool*. I would've liked to explore ceramics more, but it's impractical for me. Instead, I'm about to embark on using metal clay (check out the link for some info). It's a relatively new, exciting material which means I can mould metal like clay (gold, silver, bronze and copper now!). I'm hoping to make my own jewellery with it in the near future, so watch this space!

3. From where (or whom) do you draw your greatest inspiration?

My spirituality plays a large part in my art making. I get really excited when I can make something so physical, so mundane and earthly take on an emotional and spiritual aspect. Like how a simple earthenware tea bowl can encompass ideas of honour, reverence, frugality and emptiness. So I guess my inspiration comes from the natural world and people - how a simple action or thing becomes a subtle and succint expression of the divine, like the crest of a wave, a faded tattoo, or the yellowed pages of a book. (Did that make any sense to you?!)

4. My borrowed question: If you could invite any three people to dinner - either living or dead - who would you choose and what would you be eating?

His Holiness the Dalia Lama would definately be on the guest list - I envision him as being so wise and warm hearted! And we'd have a really thought provoking conversation about the situation in Tibet. Secondly, I'd invite Taliesin, the legendary 6th Century welsh bard, who is believed to have sung at the court of at least 3 celtic british kings. He would regale us with his mythic tales, and would also teach me about celtic Briatin and druidry. Thirdly, the brave Joan of Arc. I want to know how such a young woman led the french against oppression - such an amazing person! I'd love to have dishes that correlated with my guests that we could all sample - Tibetan food, celtic meat, and french cuisine! Lol. That sounds like my kinda dinner party!

5. Since you've been working in a school environment, what do you like and dislike about the way that *art* is represented there? ie. how it's used or not used.

I certainly dislike the way it is underplayed within the curriculum. It is mostly considered a less important subject and doesn't get the respect it deserves. I also find it hard that the art work has to be levelled and graded for the curriculum, many kids are insecure about their creative skills, and this only makes them feel it more so. However, I am happy that it is a part of the curriculum - for those kids who are less academically inclined, it can be a welcome respite, and there is nothing quite like seeing a pupil proud of their own work. I'd like to see art become a more cross-curricular subject - it's often seen as being in it's own little box cut off from the rest of school studies, but it can have a very enriching effect on other subjects (i.e. maths - geometry and optics, science - life drawing, boilogy, nature, english - theatre, calligraphy, manuscripts, etc, etc). We as educators in arts should be willing to use it more imaginatively and flexibly within the school structure.

Hope that was interesting for you all! Right, if you'd like to be interviewed, feel welcome to leave a comment and I will deliver you some customised questions asap!

Summer's River

2009-05-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

Ah, bliss.

For the past couple of days all I've really done is paint. I have the place to myself because the other half has gone on holiday with his step-dad for 11 days. I also have no work for a week because the schools are closed for half term break! So, this week is BLISS.

This is my most recent painting, which I've called Summer's River. It's a photo that I took in the summer, the sun was out, the river banks abundant with lush foliage and the water laden with lichen and reflecting blue skies *sigh*. I cannot begin to tell you the amount of time and effort this painting took. It has a few flaws (like you see that bush in the water? And the patch of darkness just upper right of it? I tried so hard to get them right but it wasn't to be!). I do like the part nearer the bottom though, where I tried to paint the water. Either way, I'm happy, because I really really did try my best and worked hard at it, which is all one can do at the end of it! I hope you all like it, let me know what you think!

Here's a photo that I'd like to share with you all - I took it in a friends garden, and it had just stopped pouring with rain. This little rose was just begging to be photographed!

Pagan Values Month: The Witches Pyramid

2009-05-25T15:38:00.000-07:00

Hiya everyone,

For those of you who haven't heard yet, Pax has taken the initiative and proposed June '09 as Pagan Values Month. Wonderful, no? Here is a copy of Pax's call to arms . . .

"In June the sun is at it’s height in the Northern Hemisphere and nearly hidden from view in the Southern Hemisphere. Midsummer and Yule, festivals of fire and of light.

Let us then use our hearts and minds and words, invoking the fires of inspiration; let us write of the virtues and ethics and morals and values we have found in our Pagan paths, let us share how we carry these precious things forward in our own lives and out into the world.

Join me, in the month of June 2009 in writing about Pagan values."

Of course, I've jumped at the chance to join in on such a good cause. I hope that some of you out there feel the same, and I'm really looking forward to reading everyones posts.

I've decided that my own post will be based around The Witches Pyramid:

To Know, To Will, To Dare, To Be Silent

Whenever I've read about it anywhere it always seems to be in relation to spellcasting. Although it is a good basis for effective magick, I've always felt it to be a rather empty and shallow take on something that I think could be a very powerful invocation to live by. For Pagan Values Month, I will write four posts (one for each part of the above statement) about how I think these words embody the values that we as Pagans both uphold an strive to enact in our own lives.

Anyways, I hope you'll all pop by during June and check out my posts, and do go have a look at who else is participating, it's bound to make for some interesting reading =D.

(P.S. You like the button above? I made it for Pax and anybody else who is joining in to use - cool huh?!)

Tagged - Happiness!

2009-05-17T05:53:00.000-07:00

Mel has tagged me to make a list of 6 things that make me happy, and then tag 6 others to do the same - only 6?! It shall have to do . . .

- Stargazing in August, watching the showers of meteors burn into life and fizzle out just as quickly.

- When I'm sleeping and then being unexpectedly woken by the feeling of my boyfriends arms curl around me.

- Having the room to myself, sitting in my corner, turning up my ipod and feeling the thumping music take over!

- Watching fire dance and writhe in a candle flame or bonfire.

- Walking home from work and seeing foxes and ravens, or spying an overhead heron (or, once, a badger!).

- Having fun in a group of old or new friends, and having an inward moment where I realize that these guy are as much my family as a my biological family.

Right, you are under no obligation to do this, but I hope you like it!

TAGGED!

Sabrina
Sam
Laurel
Idris
Pascale
Healingstones

Recent completed art-ness

2009-05-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

You may remember the ceramic vase I was making a while back - well, it's finished now! About time too! I'm still in two minds about whether or not I like the glaze that I've put on it. The thing is when I was asking the instructor about what glaze I wanted, she kept on saying that I couldn't use the ones I wanted for some reason or other, so I ended up settling for one I didn't originally want. I wanted one that would give a lot of texture, and it certainly has done that. The colours remind me of the beach - slate blues, jaded greens and worn stone . . . .

I've also completed my first proper watercolour painting EVER. I've done quick studies and experiments, but not actually set out to do a complete picture. I'm quite pleased with it, despite it's flaws (I'm still learning after all!). The scene is from a photograph I took at the Country Park, on a magnificent, atmospheric stormy day. The clouds on the right could've been painted much better, and the water isn't quite how I wanted it, but I'm still happy. It was extremely hard to get the water looking like water, I spent more time on that part of the painting that I did on nearly the whole thing! I do like the line of tree silhouettes though. What do you think?

My inspiration has gone for a walk recently, but I've long learnt that just working at it is better than just moping about waiting for it to return (otherwise I would never get anything done!). I've newly started to use some metal clay to make some jewellery, which is exciting. I'll post some pics when I have something substantial to show. Hopefully my muse would've returned by then too =).

Pay It Forward ---->

2009-05-02T16:33:00.000-07:00

Hiya guys,

I saw this over on Samantha's and Mel's blog, and couldn't overcome the urge to participate! I'd have commented on their blogs to receive something from them, but I was too late! Anyway, this is what it's all about . . .

I will make a handmade gift for the first 3 interested people who comment on this post. I have 365 days to do it in…What it will be and when it will arrive is a total surprise! The catch is that you must participate as well: you must have a blog and before you leave your comment here, write up a pay it forward post on your blog to keep the fun going.

DISCLAIMER: There is now a No-Strings attached policy in regards to this initiative, so don't feel too pressurised about having to make something in return! (As instigated by Mel).

So if any of you are interested, just leave a comment (if you're interested Jan, just comment on your blog if you still can't comment on mine! LMAO). I can't promise perfection, but I can promise something that I will make with lots of affection, something totally you-orientated that I have made using the scavenged info from your blog (stalker-esque, I know, lol) and my maverick art making endeavours.

Edit: I'm boosting the number up to 5 people, 'cos hey, I can! =D

Letting the winds of heaven dance between you

2009-04-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

It is now our wonderful festival of Beltane. I have to say, I cannot believe it has already come around, entering the second half of our pagan year. But evidence of its being is everywhere right now. The past couple of weeks I have loved walking down my street and noticing how the flowers are blooming. Magnolia trees and their elegant blooms emiting a flowery, heady aroma. There's a house on my road where their doorway is surrounded by Wisteria, lilac coloured hanging flowers (reminds me of bunches of grapes on the vine). The many varieties of coloured tulips - red, dusky orange, black-purple, yellow. Sunshine, beautiful sunshine - I don't even have to wear a coat out at the moment. And bluebells! So many bluebells =D. I could go on (and on), but I'm sure you've been noticing all this yourselves!

We all know that Beltane is about Union, on all levels. The Lord and Lady are now coming into their own, and will be made greater by their coupling. They have blossomed into young man and woman, embodying the act of creation that is bringing nature into bloom. This is also a time for relationships.

I want to share something about the rune Gebo (it comes back round to the Beltane thing, just bear with me!). Gebo is the rune concerning partnership and union. In the Book of Runes, it says this . . .

"For true partnership is achieved only by seperate and whole beings who retain their seperateness even as they unite. Remember to let the winds of heaven dance between you."

This certainly has truth in it. If you become too attached and throw your whole being into something, you could lose yourself in the process. If you are fully yourself, and love yourself, the energy and love you provide for others is more wholesome and powerful. It comes with no attachments or expectations, no neediness or commitment - just a true offering of love and joy.

I heard somewhere that the earliest interpretation of the word 'virgin' was 'a woman unto herself'. What does this mean? We can see this in the wild and untameable goddess Artemis - the eternal virgin, who still had relationships with men. Although she had sex with them, she still was a virgin - someone who needed no man to complete her. Wildly independent, answering to nothing but her own will, someone we can all learn something from. Be content within yourself, and have the strength enough to be yourself. So when you're next with the person you love, or just entering into a new relationship, love joyfully, deeply, honestly and wholeheartedly - but most importantly be whole.

A call for support

2009-04-14T13:32:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, I'm trying to raise money for War Child by climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in December. But, I can only get there if I raise £5000 in sponsorship money *shudder*. In order to help raise money I have made a website (which you can find via the links on the right column). To add to my awareness raising arsenal, I have now made a blog! Send Me Up Kilimanjaro '09.

Please feel free to go over and have a look, follow, leave a comment etc etc. If you're also inclined you could leave a donation ;P. I need all the help I can get, I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed.

But most importantly, it's worth popping over there just to see the picture of me on there that I made. I think the 'tash looks rather dashing lol.

Many thanks in advance!

I have been tagged! - 7 facts about myself

2009-04-09T11:23:00.000-07:00

The wonderful and wise Jan from awake is good has been tagged, and in turn, has tagged me! Although I think these things can be quite cheesy, I do actually like to read what people put when they get tagged, I only hope that this will be as interesting to you as it is to me when I read other peoples.

Here are the rules if I tag you!

1. Link to your original tagger and list these rules in your post.
2. Share seven facts about yourself in the post.
3. Tag seven people at the end of your post by leaving their names and links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they’ve been tagged.

Better get on with it then :)

1. When I read a book non-stop for a long session, afterwards I start to think and speak in the same style the book was written.
No joke. I start referring to myself in third-person, use descritptive and emotive language in my head, and use phrases and laguage that the book characters and author have used. Imagine what my internal voice sounds like when I've been reading Shakespeare! This always happens, and is humourous and annoying at the same time.

2. The tarot card Strength is very important to me, and is what I'd call my 'signature' card.
A long long time ago, when we were about 13, a friend and I did a tarot session where we asked which card was spiritually linked to us, 'our' card. She pulled out The Lovers - which is totally apt for her - and I pulled out Strength (if my friend ever reads this I wonder if she remembers?!). Since then Strength has appeared many times in my life and carries with it my most important lessons. When I was in the military hospital, I received a small silver amulet with an angel (which looks suspiciously like the maiden in the card) carved on one side, and the word Strength on the other, from someone I barely even knew. I have had some powerful dreams concerning this card too. The meanings of this card have a lot of significance for me. I also plan on getting a tattoo of this card, with a tiger substituted for the lion (the Tiger is my animal totem). I could write an awful lot more but I'll spare you the boredom, lol.

3. I've always secretly wanted to be a performer.
I can't sing. I can't dance. I can't play an instrument. This isn't me fishing for pity/flattery, tis true - my 'talents' lie more in the visual field. But dammit, I have so often dreamed of inspiring people through music and words. There is nothing quite like when a rhythme pulses through your body and song lyrics that touch you so much that it feels like they were torn from your own heart. Due to a real lack of talent and confidence in this department, I know I could never really do it, but that doesn't mean I can't daydream! I have been told I'm good at writing lyrics and words, although I question the truth and sincerity of such comments!

4. I love storms.
Like, seriously. Thunderstorms just send my soul soaring. When I'm running through torential rain and the thunder rumbles so loudly it feels like the world is exploding and cracking my ribcage open it's such an adrenaline rush. All that awesome power, it humbles you.

5. My dreams are what link me to the divine.
A lot of people often say how they have psychic gifts. I am not one of those people. I can't read/see auras, feel my chakras, cast a circle, have clairvoyence/sentience/audience, raise energy etc. It's enough to make me think that there's nothing beyond the physical at all! But I do have my dreams. They're very vivid, and I have had one precognitive dream. They feed me spiritually and emotionally, so beyond my control yet such an integral part of my being it really makes me feel as if there is something bigger out there, but more importantly within me too. It's my dreams that lead me to my animal totems, my deities, revelations and inspirations. Even though I can't even cast simple spells or feel energy, I can go to sleep knowing that whatever I dream that night is my connection to the divine.

6. I would love to be a part-time tattoo artist.
Now, unlike the performer thing, the tattoo artist dream is more achieveable for me. I just love them. Although I don't have any myself at the moment, which is because I can be a total perfectionist/control freak and have issues with finding someone I trust enough to put something on my skin that we be there for life! Giving people a tattoo of something that is so meaningful to them that they want it under their skin sounds awesome, and imagine all the great people you get to meet and all the stories behind the tattoo you'd hear. Also, they just look cool ;).

7. I was named after a comet.
Halley's comet to be precise (hence my name Haley, lol). I was born the year and about the time it passed over the earth. Being named after a comet is cool. But I now have the theory in my head that since I was born the year it passed overhead, I will die the next time it appears! So I'm writing my will ready for when I reach 76, lol.

Hope that wasn't too agonising!

So here are my tags, and no hard feelings if you are not in this, or have been tagged too many times in the past to want to participate. I tried to pick bloggers I am intrigued by and that I hadn’t seen tagged for something like this recently, but I might have missed it if you were…(This is not an original paragraph. I borrowed it from Lisa/Jen.)

Debra @ She Who Seeks
Medusa @ Gorgon Resurfaces
DarklyFey @ Live from the Red Leather Couch
Celestite @ stumbling upon the path of the goddess
Sue @ The Creative Spirit
Suzi @ Spirit Whispers
Laurel @ Happiness is . . .

Thanks so much for the tag Jen, it was a lot of fun doing this! I'd have tagged you if you hadn't got to me first, lmao.

Henna watercolour and body painting

2009-04-07T09:38:00.000-07:00

My new close friend at work has been teaching me how to do mendhi, aka henna painting. I've always wanted to learn, and she brought in some henna powder after work so that she could show me. It was so much fun, and I practiced on other members of staff in the staffroom, lol. Then last week on Friday we held a henna painting session for the girls at lunchtime club, and they simply loved it. They're already bugging me and her about when the next one will be! Anyway, over the two week break we now have I'm gonna be shopping for some more henna stuff, so we'll be fully prepared next time (we were making tubes for the henna out of transparent file holders and label stickers, lmao). In the mean time, I've done a couple of henna-like doodles in watercolour.

I really need to get a scanner so that you can see the colours properly. Doing these little 'doodles' was really an excuse for me to use the gum arabic I had bought ages ago but had never used. It's simply liquid latex that you can paint on to bock out areas of white that you want to keep, then you can lay a wash over it. Once it's dry you can rub off the latex and you're left with crisp white! I'm very happy with these little experiments, I can fortell more gum arabic fun in the future ;).

Carrying on with the henna theme, I decided to do some myself at home, without the sound guidance of my friend and mentor. It's hard to get used to, but I'm slowly improving. What I really need to work on are the actual designs. Those patterns you see mendhi covered women with look easy but believe me, they aren't!

That's the henna powder, just before I mix it with a little water. The smell of the stuff is wonderful, so earthy and exotic.

That's a little design I did on the side of my foot, I was quite happy with it. That was until I wne to start the one on my hand, crossed my legs like I always do, and smudged it all over my foot and the floor! I'm sooo clever.

I'm satisfied with the final design. Thing is the henna powder I've got isn't fresh, so it doesn't produce as deep a colour as you'd hope it would. Still, that will be rectified when I find a shop to buy some fresh henna from. There's also different recipes you can make to produce better results, but I'm too inexperienced at the moment, I'll try them when I'm more confident. Anyway, I still have a lovely golden coloured design on my hand which will be there now for a few days (again, not fresh=lighter colour and shorter life span). Hope you like my henna-tastic endeavours!

Daemon Quiz

2009-04-05T12:50:00.000-07:00

I just love Northern Lights, and since reading that book I have always wondered what daemon I would have. Hence why I took this quiz ;)

Your result for The Golden Compass Daemon Test...

Multi-Faceted Soul

In a way, you are a truly balanced person. You have a good sense of self, but you have periods of worry and self doubt. You don't like to be alone a lot, but you don't like being constantly surrounded, either. You can be shy in some situations and bold in others. You can tell people how you feel, but you don't wear your heart on your sleeve. You aren't "TOO" anything: You aren't too shy, you aren't too aggressive, you aren't too extroverted, you aren't too introverted. However at any one time you can be any combination of these things.

You tend to adapt yourself to match the situations in which you find yourself. You may be quiet and sensitive with some people, or joking and loud with others. These are all facets of your personality. People tend to perceive you as they want to perceive you. They may even tend to idealize you a bit. Then, when you do something that doesn't fit their concept of who you are (like have an outburst of anger, or a fit of shyness, or make an insensitive joke)they can be shocked and surprised. Does anyone know the real you?

Your daemon would represent your multi-faceted and ever-changing personality, as well as people's tendency to idealize you. He or she would get angry when you did not, be calm and poised when you felt ruffled and anxious, and always be the voice of emotion and reason in your ear.

Suggested forms:Swan, Elephant, Koala, Panda, Chameleon, Wolf.

Take The Golden Compass Daemon Test

I'll take the wolf, thankies, lol. Go and take the quiz, tis good, and let me know what you get!

I am . . .

2009-03-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

WARNING: Long, rambly post. Continue at own risk!

I was hoping to have a rather different post for you all, one where I had possibly come to some kind of revelation or epiphany. But it seems (for the present at least) that I don't. I should start from the beginning really.

As you could guess from my last post, I was receiving some rather coincidental signs in my daily life. The thing is, since I read on someone's blog somewhere a little while back about Your True Name. It's about writing an invocation, a powerful declaration and reminder about who you truly are and represent. It's been constantly reeling in my mind, like it would be really beneficial for me to do something like this. But, as what usually happens, I ignored this nagging voice and continued with my life. Just about a week ago, I started getting the nagging again about this, and tried to ignore it. Then, the signs started coming along, lol. Firstly, I stumbled upon that page again through another website. Then, in a new book I got, the section about self knowledge and identity leaped right at me. Then, as I was in the car with my boyfriend and we drove past the local church, it said in huge letters on it's billboard "I AM". Then, the thing that tipped me off to write my last little hysterical post was when I went onto the Inspire Me Thursday website for my weekly inspiration, and the theme was called "I am". I mean, c'mon! And to top it all off after that, when I went into work at the school the next monday and logged onto the school diary, at the very top, in bold red capitals, the word of the week (a theme that we contemplate on for that school week) was IDENTITY, slapping me across the face like a cold wet fish. SERIOUSLY! I was in absolute stitches. Could I get anymore of a hint!? As I have said, semetimes the universe just has to make it blatant for me, otherwise I have a tendency to dismiss these things.

To help me even further, the universe made my boyfriend disappear for almost an entire week going fishing with his mates, just so I could have the opportunity to contemplate and ponder alone in my room, otherwise if he was there I wouldn't focus on it like I should've. Coincidental timing for him to go away don't you think? Lol.

The important thing is, what did I do with these messages and given time? Well, nothing really. Which is the saddest thing about it. Last weekend after the post, I tried to brainstorm and start a few lines of this invocation, but found I couldn't get into it. Then, I went for a contemplative trip to the local country park, hoping to still my mind enough for whatever it is I had to realise to surface, and ended up taking pictures instead of achieving anything. Then, throughout the week whenever I returned home from work, I was always too tired (genuinely), or just had to read something, or look up stuff online. Looking back on my past week, everything was there for me, except for my own effort. Bugger.

So yesterday, I had the day to myself again. I spent ages tidying up, playing my music while I did as I usually do. I was feeling quite despondent, resenting tidying up taking up my free time and resenting that even if I did have my own time I would waste it. There had been sporadic showers throughout the day that I watched every now and then though my window in between cleaning. Just as I finished the last bit of tidying, I heard tapping on the window and looked outside to see hail falling from the sky. I stood at my window, holding it wide open, and put half my body out there to be in this little hailstorm. It was so invigorating. And as it died down, the sky started to reveal gorgeous rose-gold colours breaking through indigo stained clouds. The air was so fresh, and truly smelled of springtime. It felt like I was renewed with the world after the hailstorm. I leaned on the windowsill and smiled to myself for a while. You see, hail was something important I had to put in my name invocation. Hail is connected to the rune Hagalaz, which is special to me. I won't go too deep into why. Basically, Hagalaz is the rune of destruction, transformation and storms. Hagalaz always reminds me that even destruction has its place in the world. Hail and storms destroy crops, causing famine and hardship, but then also melts into life-sustaining water, bringing new life and change to times of destruction. It made me smile as if it was a tiny affirmation of what little I had already done concerning my poem. Also, the hail storm brought one of the lessons of hagalaz to mind for me - that of breaking destructive habits, something that I had been a prisoner to during recent times.

So, that night, I sat in the dark with my candle lit (Earth Hour yesterday dontcha know ;D), thinking about how I could learn from the lesson of Hagalaz and understand what had gone so wrong for me this last week despite all the messages I had received to encourage me. I came to this conclusion - I simply was afraid to face myself. Actually, this was quite a hard conclusion for me to come to. I always enjoy spending time lone, even crave it, often spending whole days content in solitude. This had led me to believe that I was content with myself, that I knew myself. Yesterday I realised - I may not be afraid to be with myself, but I was afraid to be within myself, if that makes any sense! I just could not face sitting down with myself and looking too deeply within about who I really am. I found every excuse to avoid doing this invocation thing during the week. Hagalaz wants me to challenge this. This is the bad habit I need to break - avoiding confronting myself.

As I said, I was hoping to have a different post for you. I wanted to post my finished invocation on here. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to bring myself to do it and actually face myself in doing it. But I'm damn well gonna try! Hopefully, I'll have it for you in my next post. It all depends on how much I have learnt, lol. See you all soon.

HAHA!!!

2009-03-20T12:50:00.000-07:00

No, seriously, sometimes things are just SO funny. Let's just say that some 'Godincidences' are slapping me across the face right now. I've literally just this second laughed out very loud at the latest in a series of serendipity drenched hints. I'll get back to you all on this, I just had to say something about it for now.

Sometimes I'm so dense the universe has to make it so incredibly blatant for me.

Semi-finished vase!

2009-03-14T06:18:00.000-07:00

So I've finally finished doing the carving on my vase. I'm quite happy with it and managed to stop myself from over doing it! I also think the mini-carving on the other side is quite cute! The next step is for it to be bisque fired, and then I can consider glazing it. Here's some pics.

So while the vase is being fired, I've started on a new project. I'm making a ceramic figure sculpture from a life drawing I drew at uni (when the life drawing classes were free, lol!). Very basic at the moment, just need to get the general shape first, and when it dries more I can begin to make it more detailed and less like a lump of clay! You can see a photocopy of my life drawing in the background.

That's all ceramics wise until Tuesday! See you then.

Sacred Life Sundays :: Life in every breath

2009-03-08T06:09:00.000-07:00

Tuesday night, on the way back from my ceramics class, it was very dark, and raining really heavily. I mean, it was chucking it down. So I was walking down my street quickly, hood pulled up over my head and tightened so that only my eyes were visible. Suddenly as I was walking, I smelled a sweet scent in the air, which went as quickly as it came. I backed up a bit until I smelt it again, and realised it was coming from this bush. I was sure it was all just twigs, but upon closer inspection, I saw that some small cherry blossom buds were ready to bloom, with a few ready opened ones sprinkled about. And you know what, this really made my day! It was just unexpected, and made me so happy to think that soon all the spring blossoms would bloom. You see, I have a little soft spot for these tiny blossoms.

One of my favourite memories of when I was younger was when it was springtime, and me and my brother and friends would be playing in the small field behind our big block of flats. There was this huge cherry blossom tree, bigger than any I've seen since (or this could be a 6yr olds perception, lol). I would climb this tree, as I was the only one who could and I loved to climb trees, and sit on the branches and shake them so that all the delicate pastel pink petals would fall like snow, the others looking up and and twirling around while it all fell around them. It felt really magical, up high in the air surrounded by clusters of blushing blossoms smelling sweetly, while making springtime snow for my friends to play in. Childhood memories eh?! Good times.

One of my favourite films, The Last Samurai, uses cherry blossom for symbolic imagery. The film plays on the themes of honour, the delicacy of life, and Bushido. Bushido is literally translated as 'The Way of the Warrior', and was a code of conduct for Japan's Samurai warrior caste. The samurai moral code and stressed frugality, loyalty, martial arts mastery, and honour until death. The life of a samurai was short lived and brutal. Their lives were chiefly concerned with death, and most importantly a death held with dignity. The cherry blossom became a symbol of the samurai - beauty in death. The samurai's life of honour, duty, respect and courage was as delicate as a cherry blossom, and ended as quickly as the blossoms short few weeks display in the crisp springtime. When one of the main characters, a samurai, lies dying on the battlefield in the arms of his friend, asking him help him end his life, the last image he sees is the fragile blossom petals falling from the tree in the gentle breeze, mirroring his own life being swept away in the wind.

My favourite line from this film comes from when the samurai tells his rival and soon-to-be ally about the ways of his people. Pointing to a blossom tree in the courtyard they stand, he says to him "Life in every breath. That is the way of the samurai."

What a beautiful line. And a powerful lesson for all of us. Even though at times we may feel insignificant, and as if our life is too short and pointless, remember what the cherry blossom teaches: That life, although delicate and swift, is to be treasured and celibrated in it's bittersweetness. So every time I pass a cherry blossom tree, as small voice inside my head reminds me . . .

Life in every breath.

Top image is my own, bottom image courtesy of GettyImages.

Inspire Me Thursdays :: Bamboo

2009-03-08T05:46:00.000-07:00

This weeks inspirational word was 'bamboo'. I'm using IMT as an excuse to develop my watercolours, so I used them again. When thinking of bamboo the word 'resilience' always come to mind, and I wanted to paint something that shows bamboo withstanding the elements. So I tried to paint it as if it was in a rainstorm. Hope I managed to pull it off. I didn't have any images of bamboo, so it might not look very accurate, I just made it up. This was much fun - very messy and wet, I have splatter stains all on my wall and floor! Let me know what you think.

IMT and ceramics update

2009-03-05T12:01:00.000-08:00

Since my failure at the Creative Everyday 09 stuff, I found Inspire Me Thursdays to help give me a creative kick every now and then. Last weeks inspiration was the moon, and so this gave me a chance to get out my watercolours and give it a go! I'm not very good with paint, so I only gave it a tentative shot. Small steps will eventually lead to giant leaps! So yes, there is not much on the page, but I wanted to keep it lighthearted and fun. Hopefully with more practice my watercolours will develop.

I thought I'd also let you know how the ceramics class is going. I've managed to smooth my vase down now, and get the proper shape. If you remember from a previous post, I was unsure of what to carve into it once I got the chance. In honesty, I didn't even get enough spare time to give it any serious thought. So I went to the class prepared to leave it for another week, but when it actually came to it, I thought "Sod it!" and just went with it. This is the result.

I just let my hands do their own thing, lol. I've always loved very curvilinear designs, very organic and mesmerising. So these are just the initial strokes, next week I will be elaborating on them, adding more detail and designs. It's nice to be making it up as I go along, and using my own imagination rather than copying someone elses design. Feel free to let me know what you think of my recent artistic endeavors!

Blog Award! squeel

2009-03-03T09:57:00.000-08:00

And yes, I did really squeel when I read that I got a blog award from Edain at English, Pagan and in Canada! Thanks so much!

It's a lovely surprise, and I am happy to pass on the award. Here are the rules:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.

2. Nominate 10 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude.(If you don't have 10, its OK.)3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.

4. Let them know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.

5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

These are the bloggers who I am nominating. Keep up the good work guys!

1. Jen @ awake is good

2. Beverly @ So this Is Wonderland

3. DarklyFey @ Live From The Red Leather Couch

4. LaughingMedusa @ Gorgon Resurfaces

5. Celestite @ stumbling upon the path of the goddess

6. Hibiscus Moon

7. Sera @ Spiritual Cowgirl

8. Paul @ Evoking the Goddess

9. Brian @ House of Inanna

10. The Zen In You

Go and check these great blogs out!

Revamp and update!

2009-03-02T12:33:00.000-08:00

Hiya all,

I had to change this page, just looking at it depressed me. Really put me off! So voila, a new layout. Hope you all like it, I had a lot of fun manipulating my photo to make it look funky. I do also realise that the lettering is hard to read - it is intentional believe it or not! If anyone out there wants me to make something like that for them, do say, because I really enjoyed making my own new banner.

I also said that I would post pictures of what I'm doing in ceramics at the moment, so here it is.

As you can see it is still very rough. I didn't realise how many stages there are to making a simple vase. So far I have finished making the general shape. Tomorrow, I get the chance to scrape it smooth, and then carve a design into it if I wish (which I do ;)). I don't know exactly what I'll do with it yet, but I'll mull it over tonight and tomorrow. I was thinking perhaps of some celtic knotwork designs, because I'd like to put this vase on my altar when it's finally finished, as my first ceramic offering! I'll let you all know how tomorrow goes afterwards.

Also art related, I set up a deviantART account last week to put all my previous artwork on, so if you're interested and want to have a nosey, click here or go to the link on the right of the page.

I plan on having a proper update soon, I've just been so busy! It's annual review time at my school, so I'm writing many reports presently. Just want to let you all know I haven't disappeared, and I'm keeping up to date with all your blogs. See you all soon!

Ceramics for the Soul

2009-02-18T12:28:00.000-08:00

I went to my first ever ceramics class last night, and I really enjoyed it! As it may be obvious by now, I've been trying to get back into making art recently. I have tried the online Creative Every Day '09 initiative, and I was doing fine for a week or so, yet it still felt too forced and I was far from inspired. I was finding it too hard to not be critical of my work.

I have spent some time thinking this over, and how to overcome it. Because in the past I have made 'good' drawings and paintings, when I don't do ones that meet up to my expectations I simply stop drawing or painting to avoid the failure. So, I thought that if I try something totally new, then I wouldn't be able to judge the work by any past standards. Boom, I join a ceramics class.

And I have to say, I'm glad. It's a lot of money, but I already believe it's worth it. It's a two hour session per week, for eight weeks. The people there are really nice, and the teacher Sue, who owns the shop below the studio, went to Camberwell College of Arts, where I did my degree! So it was nice to have that in common. She had me make a basic vase (and believe me, I need the basics!). I spent the whole two hours on this vase, learning how to roll the clay, making it into coils and then using the coils to make the shape etc. I was so absorbed in it. Working the clay is so relaxing, I can understand why it's used in art therapy!

Whilst making the vase, it was almost like I was meditating. No, more like mindfulness. Just being totally aware of what I'm doing whilst my mind is void of interfering thoughts. I've come across this word a lot, and have only had small experiences of what I would call mindfulness. Funnily enough, these have been times when I've been totally absorbed in drawing, lol. So to have that feeling return to me last night whilst doing something totally new is great =D.

So, no more ceramics until next Tuesday. But until then, I can already feel the creative impulse slowly being rekindled . . . and I thought I did a pretty damn good vase for a first-timer to boot ;).

There's hope yet!

2009-02-17T07:57:00.000-08:00

Let's just say my efforts for Creative Every Day '09 have borne no fruit. Mainly because I haven't been doing it. Bleh. I think I've just hit a general slump in my energy and feelings recently, and I just need to ride it out. This happens now and then for no apparent reason, and doesn't usually last for too long. But, I have stumbled upon a local course in ceramics, and signed up today! I have never done anything like it before, most of my work has been 2D, and I'm hoping this new approach will ignite some kind of creative spark. My first lesson is tonight, so I'll let you all know how that goes!

I'd also just like to say thanks to all who commented on my last post. Your wise and considerate words have not been ignored, and they have given me a lot to think about. I'm still confused in my head, but I'm not going to be hard on myself for it anymore. Many thanks again =).

Struggling with the Warrior Goddess

2009-02-08T07:26:00.000-08:00

This is a post that has been festering in my mind for quite a while now, but I have been putting it off. The main reason for this is because I still have no definitive answer or conclusion for it, and I find that difficult. The reason why I'm posting it now is because of a dream I had last night, which has brung these thoughts to the fore. Anyway, I shall try my best to articulate what I'm trying to say for you. I'm afraid that it is intricately tied in with some life story, so sorry if it's going to bore you!

There is a large part of me that identifies with the 'warrior aspect'. Ever since I was little, you'd be more likely to find me scrapping with the boys and climbing trees than playing pretend tea parties or nurse. In my secondary school years, it continued. I had a few fights (actual fist fights mind you, always with boys), played sport as good as any of them, refused to be treated as the damsel in distress. Back in my teens, I identfied with Artemis - wild, independent, tomboyish and untouchable. Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, this was challenged.

I ended up joining the army when I finished school under the encouragement of my mum. I had just turned 16, and was off to a military base for 6 months to complete training as a trainee soldier before joining permanently for 5yrs if I passed. The corporals and higher ranked all had high hopes for me, and I thought I was up to the challenge. How wrong I was. I hated the discipline, the mindless orders and institutionalised bullying and homesickness. But, I didn't want to let my family down, or be thought of as weak. But I was weak - the rest of the trainees considered me the wimp. I ended up in the military hospital with an injury for a month, two months into training, and it turned out to be a blessing. The solitude gave me the opportunity to consider what it was I was actually getting into. I had mindlessly joined because I wanted praise and respect, to be feared a little even. How juvenile. I left as soon as I was well. Unfortunately, my return was not welcomed by my parents. My mother thought I was throwing my life away. Without going into too much detail, the next few years were very hard. It still is, though not as much. I came back from the army a very hurt person, which had more to do with the time after it than during it.

I went to college and tried to get on with life. My experience though had changed me somewhat. I now considered myself weaker, of less worth. So during my college years people only saw a shy, friendly, quiet girl. This continued until one day when I got into my biggest fight to date. At college with some friends, a group of young men came over and tried to take something from us. I took it from my friend, told them they couldn't have it, and the main guy pushed me really hard, I almost fell over. That was all I needed - I kicked off. I started fighting with this guy, had him up against the fence, hit him to the floor, shouting, everything. He tried to punch me back, but he kept on missing (thankfully). His friends tried to then hit me with their belts, but it didn't deter me. Thankfully, someone from my class got his bike chain and scared them all off before I got well in over my head. Once they had left, I couldn't calm down for hours. None of my friends had tried to help me fight them off (considering they were tough, large guys, I was slightly disapproving!). They told me they had just been in shock. I was the reserved little goody-goody up til that point. That soon changed, for good or ill.

Thankfully, since then I haven't had any more actual fights. That was 4 years ago now. Whenever I meet new people, I'm always conscientous, quiet, helpful, nice etc. It isn't a front, I'm actually like that. But then little things will set me off, like a drunk at the pub, or a yob in the street, and they see a new side to me. Nowadays though I have so much more patience, and my anger now never really rises.

The problem for me now is swinging between being a doormat, and being too aggressive. And internally I really struggle with this. I'm much happier with who I am now - I'm more thoughtful, sensitive, allow myself to be more vulnerable, and much more peaceful. But when I hear people regard me as someone really nice, who wouldn't hurt a fly, I hate it. I feel like a pushover, underestimated. When I'm with my older friends, who know about what I have been like before, they talk about how no one should mess with me or that I'm tough, I really like it - I feel empowered. But amongst all this, I feel disgusted with myself for feeling good about it. What kind of a person feels good about fighting?

These feelings all come into play when I consider a matron Goddess. As I've said before, in the past I've identified with Artemis. But in recent years I wanted to connect to a Goddess of my own celtic heritage. Eventually, Morrigan found her way into my life. The raven is one of my totem animals, and led me to her. A lot of her aspects resonate with me. Shapeshifting: I work a lot with animal totems, and do a lot of it in my dreams. War: From this post, you can guess! Death: Something that always fascinates me (not in a morbid way), because only with death can new life and change happen. But I think to myself "Is this a Goddess that I should be working with? A Goddess of war? Is that really something that is good for me?" Yet, I don't really feel anything when looking at the other Goddesses - I respect them, appreciate them, but I can't connect with them.

So recently I have pulled away from the Goddess. I feel frustrated and confused. I don't want to be violent or aggressive, but I don't want to be underestimated or weak either. Sometimes I just get the urge to start a fight! How terrible! Part of me really craves the thrill of 'battle', but the rest of me thinks how barbaric. But also, I can be quite a pushover now. I'm overly emotional and doubtful a lot of the time.

As I said, it's been a long time now since I've kicked off. Last night though, in my dream, I was back in secondary school with my two friends (who seriously wouldn't hurt a fly!), when a whole bunch of pupils tried to beat them up. I dealt with them all effortlessly, and protected my friends. But I didn't have a kind of 'battle rage', it was more of an unshakeable conviction that they wouldn't get by me. And it felt great - I felt like the 'real' me, if that makes any sense.

I don't know. I really have rambled here, and not made a lot of sense. I just wanted to vent my frustration, and get some feedback. I just can't seem to move beyond this paradox. Do I embrace the warrior Goddess, or do I reject her?

More snow pictures!

2009-02-03T09:03:00.000-08:00

I can't help myself. I enjoy making art (when I actually do some), but I know I can never surpass the beauty already inherent in nature and our surroundings. That is why I take so many photographs! Here are some photos that I took from our local country park, a place I often go to reconnect and rejuvenate. It was so beautiful covered in snow, such solemn silence.

I promise my next post won't just be a matter of posting pretty photographs. Thanks for bearing with me!

Silence and snow on Imbolc

2009-02-01T13:54:00.000-08:00

What a lovely thing to happen on Imbolc. Within minutes of it starting everywhere was covered in a thick layer of snow. I decided to go for a walk in it and experience Imbolc in the gentle, enveloping silence of snow. Here are some pictures I took whilst on my ramble. Hope you all had a wonderful Imbolc.

Life Lessons from the Moon

2009-01-29T12:59:00.001-08:00

The moon is a widely used and potent symbol in paganism. It has many meanings and attributes, among which are the triple Goddess, dreams, womens monthly cycle, the psyche, waxing and waning, etc. As with all archetypes, they have universal meanings, but what is just as important is the personal meanings we associate with them. Here, I want to share with you a few things I have learnt from the moon in contemplation. This may not ring true for you, but it's a personal interpretation which has brought much comfort and insight in the past, and I hope will give some of that to you too.

I'm a Cancerian, so the moon has always held much sway over me. As is widely established, the moon is the ruler of our emotions, it's waxing and waning embodying the fullness and fallowness of our feelings. It tugs at the waters of both physical and emotional life. In my life (and I assume others), I often have difficulty seperating how I feel about something and the reality of that something. As I have often tried to remember, there is a difference between feeling something and being something. For example, there are often time when I feel like a failure, but that doesn't necessarily mean I am a failure - it's just how things feel at the time. Or, just because I am afraid that I have done something that will drive off someone I love, doesn't mean they are going to leave me, despite working myself up into a state where I believe it will happen.

These types of feelings can be found in the meaning of The Moon in the tarot. This card deals with illusions, how we create them, how they affect us, and how to see through them. For me, this card symbolizes that which is subjective, mutable and churning, and the challenge for us is to find that which is solid and real. This can be directly applied to situations in our lives which call for us to differentiate between the perceived and the actual.

Often, meditation is used to help us realise what is real. By distancing ourselves from a person or situation, we gain an objective viewpoint that is critical to have, if we are to disentangle ourselves from the quagmire of our emotions. In meditation you can contemplate things and cultivate non-attachment in a way that can help stop us just reacting to what is going on without consideration and thought of what is actually happenning.

Personally, this objectivity is of great value in two things - my love life and spiritual life. In terms of my love life, as with all couples, we go through good and bad times. There are moments when life is so sweet, and you are just filled to the brim with gratitude and love; and times when you feel you are in a such a deep dark hole there is no way things can ever go back to being how they were. The moon reminds me that our feelings for eachother will naturally fluctuate, but also that underneath it all the truth is we have chosen to be together, for better or worse, because we do love eachother at the end of the day. In regards to my spirituality, I often have doubts about the validity of my beliefs. It's very easy to forget what is meaningful and true when we have to live in the 'real' world of work and society. So again, the moon reminds me that no matter how disconnected I'm feeling, the web of life is always there, pulsing vibrantly just beneath the surface of flux and change.

When I look at the moon, I am reminded that beneath the fluctuating luminosity there is something solid and real. That despite the ever changing face there is constancy and stability to be found. This lesson is so important to me - when we take the time to find the real nuggets of truth in our lives, it makes all the extremes of emotions and experiences worthwhile. Through this lesson, we can find strength in the midst of turmoil - which is never a bad thing.

Creative Every Day 2009: Jan 19th-25th

2009-01-25T09:49:00.000-08:00

Here's this weeks efforts, and I have to say that I have mixed feelings towards them. This week I have used pastels for the first time, watercolours, haiku (lol), and much photography!

Cleansing fire;

These grains of dross

now a string of pearls.

As stated the pastels are new to me, and I was impressed at how nonjudgemental I was towards myself when I used them - I just had fun! Sadly, I couldn't find it in me to treat myself the same way when it came to the watercolours. The one you see here is the surviving one - I ended up getting stressed and binning the other one I did the day after that, and the day after that not doing anything at all to artistically related depression, lol. I'm very happy with the photography though. My littlest brother and I went for a bike ride to our local country park, had lots of fun and fresh air, got extremely muddy, and got some nice pics in the process. The best kind of art.
I still have to remind myself to not get despondant though. It's just that after a lifetime of artyness I expect a little more from myself than the stuff I produce a lot of the time. Still, keeping my head up! Sorry I didn't post it yesterday as I said I would, downloading the images took longer than expected. I'll be more punctual this Sunday.

Take care all x

The Power of (Craft) Names

2009-01-21T12:20:00.000-08:00

I recently came across a post on The Wild Hunt's blog - The Witch Gambit Didn’t Work (This Time). The main thing that sparked my interest was the debate that was sparked regarding the name of the woman talked about in the post. Many spoke about how her chosen craft name didn't help her credibility, with Peg Aloi summing it up well by saying that often people who have these Native-American style alter-ego names have problems being taken seriously by those both inside and outside the the pagan community. Many more have stated that craft names are losing their importance and relevance nowadays. Where in the past people used craft names to protect their identities, there is now less of a need for secrecy due to the wider spread of paganism (but, this does not mean that pagans do not get persecuted for their beliefs in present times, because they do). It seems now, within the pagan community, there is a scepticism towards the use of craft names.

Now I agree that a name like Vanilla-Clove Moonstone sounds rather silly. Names like these only serve as ammunition for ridicule by the public, regardless of the sincerity of the person whose name it is. If we are to be taken seriously by society, we have to accept that the more strange and different we make ourselves to be, the more we will continue to be marginalised. I'm not saying that we abandon any attempt at individuality, but we must realise that there is time and place for this. Some people are still just too closed to change and difference, and we won't get understanding from them by making the rift between us and them wider. I also agree that there is some less need for secrecy. But, I would like to disagree that the use of craft names is now redundant.

When you adopt a craft name during initiation, or when you commit yourself to your spiritual tradition, you are experessing a wish to start a new life and indentity. Your new name, through it's meaning and energy, helps to shape your 'spiritual personality' and also the things that are important to you on your life's journey.

One of my favourite books on pagan ethics is 'A Witch's 10 Commandments' by Marian Singer. It does a good job of trying to find underlying and unifying ethics and beliefs among the pagan community - which is in nature varied and multi-faceted, and therefore a difficult task! In this book, there is a chapter called 'Spirit Abides in all things. Names and Words have Power', where it says . . .

"If you have a word for it, you can think about it, and if you think about it you can begin to manifest it at least on a personal level."

Once you name something, it gives it form and expression in the world. The Egyptian god Ptah made all things by uttering them into creation. Sounds and mantras used in meditation summon certain energies and vibrations. To name something is to give it power. A craft name provides a boundary, a definition within which you can begin to build the characteristics you wish, as well as help build a connection between you and the deities you honour.

Effort is Offering

2009-01-18T12:58:00.000-08:00

I had never heard this phrase until I read it on DarklyFey's blog Live from the Red Leather Couch. Her mantra 'Effort is Offering' struck a chord with me, and sums up beautifully a lesson which I think we would all benefit from.

At times, I can be the biggest procrastinator. I will wait for the 'perfect' circumstances to happen in order for me to do something. The thing that I, and we, have to realise, that there is never a 'perfect' time. One example I'll give is my altar. I've only had an altar since last Samhain, despite years of being a pagan. I resisted making one simply because, in my eyes, I didn't have the perfect, elaborate altar pieces. I thought I needed expensive ritual items, a plethora of candles and incence, and fancy statuettes. After a time of spiritual famine, I decided that I needed a physical embodiment of my path to act as a reminder of what is spiritually important to me. When this thought took form, I had to immediately act upon it before I thank it to death! So, by using whatever was available in my room at that time, I made my altar. I achieved it in ten minutes, after years of procrastination.

A spare candle, an old box, my crystals, a chinese takeaway calander tiger picture, a magpie feather, a photo of a fox I took, a starfish, a shell, a small metal pendant of an angel (which reads 'strength' on the back), some Goddess cards, and two pebbles from the beach. It's nothing special, but is a lot more personal and true to me than if I had forked out a fortune at the local New Age shop. This impromptu assemblage of items was the product of a sincere act of offering, gratitude, and hope of opening a dialogue with the God*dess. And in the end, I think the Lord and Lady would appreciate the effort more.

Now, in the process of blog-hopping, I came across an initiative called Creative Every Day 2009. This is a wonderful idea. I graduated from art college in June '08, and since then, I have not made any art. Any. And for someone like me, who has always done art, always been considered 'the arty one', and who always found comfort and inspiration in the making of art, it hurts. My institutionalised, judgemental experience has sucked the creativity right out of me. I'm afraid of making art now, because either myself or others expect too much of my abilities, fear of failure freezing me. Yet, the (re?)discovery of 'effort as offering' and this initiative has given me the nudge I need to show myself a bit of compassion, and just let me make. Not to judge, conceptualise, explain, or justify - but to make.

The effort of making my altar, and of now joining this initiative, is my offering. My altar is an offering to the Lord and Lady, to the wonder of life, my 'outer' offering. The Creative Every Day 2009 initiative is an offering to my inner God*dess, giving it voice, and feeding the divine link between myself and the web of life, my 'inner' offering. Here are my first attempts. I decorated my new sketchbook for CED'09 on Saturday, and yesterday I made my own 'creative space, where I have my art equipment, books and my own photo's displayed for inspiration. I'll be posting my efforts every Sunday from now on, to share with you all (lucky you ;P).

DarklyFey's mantra as given me the courage to realise that, like most things in life, process is more important than product. I hope, that by reiterating the mantra, that others out there will be touched by it, and realise that whatever they have, or are willing to do, is more than enough, if given in the spirit of trust.

Setting an example

2009-01-14T09:54:00.000-08:00

The misrepresentaion of pagans has always been a problem that our community has faced. There are many posts concerning this, the most recent to my attention the post of The Wild Hunt's "Killing Spells, Underage Covens, and Bad Stereotypes" regarding a current tv programme. Witchvox is also littered with reports of bad press and misunderstandings of our beliefs and practices. My question is, how can we begin to dispell this?

Now, I know my limits, this is too big a question for me to answer adequately, especially since there are many more prominent and wise members of our community already on the case. But I'd like to look at this from a personal view, concerning a problem I have had to deal with today (although this hasn't been the first occassion by far).

I have just started at a new job in a mainstream secondary school in a SEN (special educational needs) department. Part of my job is to go around in general classes and aid the children in whatever they may be learning. Today, in class, I kneeled down and rested my elbows on a groups table to speak with them about their work. Before I could get a word in, one of them asked me if I was Jewish.

(Me) "No, I'm not Jewish."
(Child #1) "Then why do you have a Jewish star on your necklace?" (pointing at my pentagram)
(Me) "It's not a Jewish star."
(Child #1) "What is it then?"
(Child #2 to #1) "It's an evil star isn't it, stupid."
(Me) "No it is not evil at all!"
(Child #2) "Yes it is, evil people wear them."
(Me) "I think you're getting it confused with an inverted star that tv and films use to portray ritual killings etc. It's not this star. Now get on with your work!"

EVIL PEOPLE WEAR THEM. Lord and Lady help us.

Now, I have my reasons for not disclosing what my pentagram meant. Firstly, it was afterall a busy english class, and the teacher obviously wants them to work; it's hardly a place to hold a philosophical/spiritual discussion. Secondly, if I had told them, more questions would follow, and as stated, it was neither the time nor place. Thirdly, it is my second week there, and children do talk, and they would misinterpret or warp whatever I would've said, and children and staff alike could've begun to treat me very differently.

Now I could just not wear it to avoid these situations, but there is a reason I wear it anyway (other than the obvious reason!). I like to see the reactions it invokes in people. It can introduce me to a fellow pagan due to recognition. It can show me the kind of intolerant people I want to avoid having friendships with due to negative reactions. But most importantly to me, it's because I want to set a good example for us. I'm not perfect (just ask anyone who knows me!). But a lot of people out there have only experienced pagans through the eyes of the media, or from the mouths of their often misinformed friends. The stereotype is of someone who thinks they wield awesome power through casting spells (preferably naked), hexing all and sundry. Or of a tree-hugging, idealistic hippy convinced of the existence of fairies and pixie dust, living in our own deluded fantasy worlds. Now, elements of the above may be true for a minority, but I have to say the pagans I have met, of whom I feel are the most genuine, have been incredibly, well, normal. That goes for myself too. We live ordinary lives, and have the same concerns, worries and joys as others. Most people who meet me are shocked by my normality, and I like to consider this a good thing. It shows that we aren't some kind of cult, and that actually, they probably have met quite a few people who they didn't know were pagans. It makes them, even if only a little, more open to us.

Now interestingly, at lunchtime I sat down with the lunchtime supervisors. Suddenly the woman said aloud in reference to me "Now there's a woman after my own heart!", nodding to my necklace. We got talking, and she said how all the children knew she was a White Witch. We didn't have a lot of time to speak properly unfortunately, but I wonder about how they and the other staff feel about her.

Right now I'm wondering if any of you out there think little of me for not explaining to the children about my pentagram. Some could see it as denying or damaging my relationship and commitment to the God*dess. But let me tell you this - I will always try to act in a manner befitting the the love, compassion and integrity of the Lord and Lady. And when the day comes when I do explain the truth to the children, I will hope that I have shown them by example what it means to follow the path of the God*dess.

The passing of Yule - and a new promise

2009-01-11T08:56:00.000-08:00

Although we pagans celebrate the new year on Samhain, for me it never really feels like a new year until Yule. One obvious main reason for this is because of cultural upbringing - in the west, we celebrate New Year's Eve on December 31st. But there is another reason too. Samhain is a festival regarding death and the otherworld. All life is born in death, as all death is born in life. This is a time for deep introspection and focus upon the inner worlds. Yule, on the other hand, is concerned with rebirth, that potent moment on the brink of both death and life which is embodied by the return of the Sun in the dark of winter. The promise of new life, a new year.

At Yule, we look at the past year, it's good and bad times, be thankful for what we have, and think about the things we would like to achieve in the coming year. Like the rebirth of the God-child, small inklings of hope and aspiration are planted in us, so they can grow with the light of the Sun. 2008 has been a very eventful year for me personally. The beginning of the year had all it's stresses about graduating, worries about finding work after university and how to make a living. The middle of the year had all it's (not too) industriousness of looking for work and thinking about the future. The end of the year concluded with having had a wonderful job in a special needs college, where I learnt a lot about myself and the work I wanted to do. This new year opens with me starting a new job, in a secondary school as a teaching assistant, and I am very happy. Looking over 2008, it seems as if I have been blessed. Things had been hard for a very long time, and all of a sudden I was right where I wanted to be, with seemingly little effort on my behalf.

To coin a term used by a friend, I feel that there have been many 'Godincidences' in the past year. This is defined as coincidences that seem to have been laid out for me, where a higher (or inner) power is at work. In terms of finding work, it seems as if the door had been opened for me already - I simply had to walk through it. In this way, I know the Lord and Lady are watching over me, giving me the tools I need to forge the life I want, nudging me in the right direction.

Now, the situation demands, what do I make of it? I could sit here and gloat over my new-found life and achievements, feel smug in the fact I've got where I am. Or, just maybe, I can pass the gift on. Because it is a gift. I found a job that opened up new possibilities for me, taught me more about myself in the three months I did it than the whole three years at university, and gave me the confidence and expertise to start a new job (which so far has been great, and I have many high hopes). The spirit of the gift should be passed on.

What will be my gift back to the Lord and Lady?

I have decided to raise money for the charity War Child by climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in Dec '09. I *hope* to raise £5000. A mighty task, but I feel appropriate for the gifts I have received. As said, I have new found confidence and skills, and this is the ultimate challenge for them. Putting the tools the Lord and Lady have given me to work. (If you want to support me, check out the links on the side menu - I have a website for this challenge.) I hope to look back on this challenge next Yule, and be able to say thanks and be proud of my achievements, knowing the circle of giving has continued on again. Now I'm not saying that you have to some amazing grand gesture. The Lord and Lady accept all gifts given in love and trust.

Gift giving is an important part of Yule. It's a time when you recognise the gifts you have been given (literally and metaphorically), and have the opportunity to return the favour in the spirit of celebration. It's the turning of the wheel, a reciprocation, and a chance to begin again.

What have you got to be thankful for? What will your gift be?

Beginnings

2009-01-10T13:37:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my new blog.

I suppose I should tell you a little about what will be written here. Most posts will be related to paganism and other earth spirituality related areas. Paganism is an intrinsic part of my life, and while I most certainly am a pagan, I like to question and explore my beliefs and spiritual ethics. I am open-minded to all religions and philosophies, and I am fascinated by the practices of all people in regards to finding meaning and luminousity in their lives. There will also be smatterings of book reviews here and there.

I am no expert (on anything!), so all things written here will just be my own observations or musings. I hope you enjoy this blog, and look forward to any future comments you may post.

Haley x